Disclaimer: This article is meant as a light-hearted and humorous look at one of our most favorite pastimes—dieting. The author in no way endorses the enclosed material as accurate, though it may represent a great portion of the population. Neither can the author be help liable for any damages incurred by following the information herein, except perhaps what might occur to the funny-bone of the reader. While the author may not approve the following material and advice, the FDA and Big Pharma might endorse the information enclosed as a convenient way to sell you more drugs and make more money.
The diet plan everyone wants is finally here!
Move over Atkins. Move over Pritikin! There’s a new fat kid on the block and for once he’s telling it straight. Twenty-four million Americans can’t be wrong as they enjoy the benefits of this high glycemic, low fiber diet that is sweeping the nation. Now you can join them and enjoy the following benefits too!
- Obesity
- Heart Disease
- Diabetes
- Cancer
- Stroke
- Alzheimer’s
- Arthritis and so much more!
Forget about the Darwinian theory that we descended from the apes. It’s totally untrue. We descended from whales. Surely you realize that weight loss is simply impossible. Though you may lose it, you’ll only gain it back and more to spare! You are meant to carry along some extra blubber.
Face it, fat is in, baby! Why struggle so hard and deny reality? Those diets don’t work ’cause they go against your natural inclinations. Take a close look around you. The survivors are the obese as they roll over their skinny counterparts in the dash to the hospital for triple bypass surgery.
The thought of a surgeon slicing through thick blubber to get to your aorta should make your mouth water!
But you don’t have to miss out! The Great American Diabetes Diet (G.A.D.D.) is the only realistic diet that works! It’s effortless and guaranteed to work 100%. Even more, it requires no exercise!
How, you ask, can you join the ranks of the millions already enjoying the benefits of blindness and foot amputations? Chances are you’re already on your way to the complications! Just a few simple lifestyle changes and you can be assured of a comfortable vacation spot in a hospital ward. And if you haven’t started yet, it’s not too late to support the pocketbooks of your local pharmaceutical company that stands ready with a costly army of medications to service your every woe.
Big Pharma, the FDA, the FTC and many government agencies are already busy promoting GADD with advertisements and false reports outlining the dangers of vitamins and minerals in your diet. They already know that man is a descendant of whales and we must get pleasantly fat while they get pleasantly wealthy. So discard those herbs being sold at your health food store today and start on your way to a new you with the GADD! Once you’ve finished with clearing out your kitchen cabinet of those unwanted “health” supplements, you can begin your diet by:
- Eating a Sumo wrestler’s breakfast. Be sure to drink a large glass of sweetened orange juice. Fry up a good batch of eggs, bacon and sausage to last until the morning doldrums. If you prefer cereal, there’s no need for whole grain, it’s so bland. Show your kids you like sugar as much as they do and fill up a few bowls of high-fructose-corn-syrup sweetened cereal. Don’t like cereal? No problem, have at least 6 pancakes along with a good dollop of whole fat butter and smother it all with maple syrup. And don’t neglect to add two tablespoons of sugar to your morning coffee for that extra spike of glucose! But if you’re like many, breakfast is too much a bother. There’s no harm in simply skipping this meal. Just be sure to pick up a few donuts on your way to work.
- Mid morning hunger can be alleviated by conveniently placed vending machines where you’ll find an assortment of high calorie, high carbohydrate snacks. Don’t forget to take advantage of your smoke break. A good puff will fill your lungs with the goodness of friendly chemicals designed to shorten your breath effortlessly.
- Lunch is the most important meal of the day, so don’t neglect those hamburgers, fries and cola. With just 150 calories and 43 grams of sugar, you can afford to drink more than one soft drink! Bringing your own lunch is unhealthy. Eat what’s being served in the school cafeteria or the local restaurant. Don’t forget to relax and hack your way through another cigarette. It will pay off in more dividends than you can imagine!
- Mid afternoon needs as much attention as the mid morning. Insure energy with a large bag of salted chips and pretzels. If you’re feeling some indigestion or acid reflux, take an aspirin or those meds your doctor prescribed. Don’t forget the ritual of another good smoke.
- There’s no need to scrimp on dinner. Just make sure there are no vegetables on your plate. The key to cooking well is to fry…fry…fry. Pizza and fried chicken are great alternatives when you’re in a rush to see your doctor over those minor chest pains. To enjoy the GADD, the more in a hurry you are, the better the indigestion. You eat more, chew less and pack on pounds as fast as you can eat.
- The evening is a time to stress-out before the TV with another smoke and the last beer of that six-pack you brought home. Don’t worry about those health nuts who promote nuts and seeds as a good way to snack. A large bag of Cheetos and all-dressed Ruffles will do you good before bed. Ignore your dog’s incessant whine as he attempts to get you to go out with him for a walk. You’re tired and darkness is only two hours away.
- While preparation for bed doesn’t appear to have anything to do with the GADD, it is important how you do it. Brush your teeth with the fluoridated water that your taxes pay the city to clean up. Better still, take a shower. That water contains the trace elements of the drugs that are inadvertently flushed down the toilets by many dedicated householders. Make sure you drink at least 8 eight ounce glasses of unfiltered tap water every day.
There you have it, a daily approach to living today’s American dream! Simply by making the changes to your lifestyle, you can insure that everyone in the medical establishment, the food and agriculture industry and the CEOs of big pharmaceutical companies continue to have jobs and billion-dollar profits.
Posted by mrmagica 