Disclaimer: The following article is but a humorous look at the relationship between the doctor and patient. As one of a series of articles looking at the lighter and funnier side of life, it by no means should be construed to be gospel truth. The author simply believes that due to the present state of economic chaos, we all need a good laugh now and then and that’s why this series is written. So sit back and enjoy!
There is no question that the doctor-patient relationship is a special one that borders on genuine love. Your doctor loves your body for the money it can bring while he pumps it full of prescription meds. Of course it’s taken for granted that mind and body are separate entities. If something goes wrong with your body, it’s not your fault you got sick. After all, diet and exercise has nothing to do with health, or so the medical profession hopes you’ll believe. If this was not so, why would so many people continue to chow down burgers, smoke a pack a day and pollute their bodies with toxins every chance they get?
The major problem with your doctor is that he hasn’t got time to tend to your personal needs at every hour of the day as he is in love with thousands of other corpses he sees on a daily basis. In order to know what’s wrong with you, he needs the opportunity to carefully observe every aspect of your daily life, jot down the foods you eat and how you handle the kids and your wife. He has to follow you to work, with a white lab coat to distinguish himself from the company employees while watching you eat those sugar-laced donuts and how many smokes you can puff during the smoke break.
It’s not an easy job, but if you want the doctor’s attention and establish a good relationship with him or her, you need to make some sacrifices that will ensure he’ll be at your beck and call when the next heart attack occurs. Since your doctor is concerned about the health of your pocketbook, it’s only natural to reciprocate by developing a close kinship with him. So what can you do to insure your relationship is a stellar one? Here are some tips:
Buy a bigger home. You’ll simply need a home with plenty of space to house his medical paraphernalia and his clinic. While this may seem a burden, consider that most Americans love big homes and fancy cars so this shouldn’t be much of a financial burden for you.
Build a lab facility. Your doctor can’t conduct his experiments without the test tubes, MRI and X-ray equipment he needs for treatment and/or torture. Whether the lab stands apart from the house or is an addition, you should insure it has adequate insulation so you and the neighbors can’t hear the screams of the doctor’s patients as he performs treatments. If finances just aren’t available, use your rec room as a temporary facility. You may even be able to get a grant from the government to help in your expansion efforts. Considering the state of today’s economy it’s wise to use government incentive programs to help employ construction workers to build that new addition.
Open up a dual account. It should be in your name and your doctor’s name so he can withdraw the charges for his services without issuing you a receipt.
Get a new bed. You’ll need a double-king sized one as your doctor needs a place to sleep too. You can never know when adverse drug effects keep you awake and screaming half the night. Your doctor needs sleep too so he must address your problems immediately with emergency surgery as may be needed. Your double-king bed must be large enough to accommodate your lawyer, accountant and IRS auditor too. The lawyer is necessary to smooth out any differences you may have between you and your doctor. Divorces between patients and doctors are as common as between husband and wife.
Take out extra life insurance. You want your doctor to feel right at home and that requires giving him a few perks to get in bed with you. One of them is taking out extra insurance that can cover any lawsuits he incurs from malpractice by patients undergoing chemotherapy and radiation treatments. Since life is so delicate, you can never know when you will keel over from drug complications as so many patients do in the nation’s hospitals every year, about 100,000 by some estimates. Taking the right dose and right prescription is no guarantee you will survive to tomorrow. Your doctor needs to continue his practice uninterrupted so he needs to know that you will pay for his mistakes and is guaranteed to be the beneficiary of your estate.
Build a big parking lot. It’s not absolutely necessary, but it’s a good way to bring in extra income so you can delay bankruptcy. Guests and patients need a place to park while they are being serviced. To add more revenue, install a gate where they can pay $5.00 in parking fees. If you think this is too much, many people, including your doctor, gouge their customers on a regular basis. If patients prefer to park in the street, install a parking meter or have a city tow truck service haul away the offending vehicle. You might consider getting into the tow truck business yourself.
These are helpful points that can insure you stay healthy until 40. A love relationship with your doctor is so important. Insuring that your doctor is safe, comfortable and profitable is the best way for a happy retirement six feet under in your doctor’s backyard once he takes control of your property.
