Learning to Ruin Your Sleep the Easy Way

For many bedtime becomes another job activity. While they’re never paid to get to sleep, the very activity of forcing sleep insures they will stay awake. Popping sleeping pills do help, but they are not the best healthy solution to the problem.

Nevertheless, if you are one of the few who do manage to sleep most nights and would prefer to be bleary eyed by the time you get to work, here are some helpful tips you can employ to insure that a good night of sleep becomes a sought after miracle.

• Drink plenty of caffeine before bedtime. No doubts about it. You won’t need toothpicks to keep your eyes open all night. While you’re at it, try alcohol, another sure way to keep you awake. Both caffeine and alcohol will help produce a good bout of acid reflux, diarrhea, constipation and a host of other stomach ailments guaranteed to keep your co-workers and your boss at arm’s distance from you.

• Gorge yourself with food shortly before retiring. Your stomach will be busy growling and producing gas as it tries to digest that food. That bloated feeling is sure to ruin any good night of rest. You might have to get up on occasion to rush to the washroom to throw up some of that undigested food. Taking a few antacid pills to calm the war inside your stomach certainly helps to reduce the production of stomach acids the stomach needs for digestion. But there’s no better way to insure your health gets ruined by adding ulcers, constipation and intestinal illness.

• Get into a serious argument with your girlfriend or your wife so you can stew over their inconsideration all night long. If you’re not married, try picking a fight at the local bar. You’ll be lying in bed relaxing head bruises with an ice pack.

• Watch violent movies before bedtime. This works much better with the volume on full blast. You need to get angry to see red all night. Anything from a hockey fight to a boxing or wrestling match will help keep the adrenaline flowing. Make sure to move your TV into the bedroom so you and your bleary eyed wife can both enjoy the fights.

• Get into a heavy workout routine. Forget taking a walk to relax like the wimps do. Go for a 10K marathon. Lift those hundred pound weights. Sweat your way into shape and sleepless nights. Make sure to continue that routine every night so you can be tired when you go to work the next day.

• Start an all-night day care center. There will always be some kids who want to emulate you. Children screaming in your ears are a great way to keep up those jangled nerves.

• Keep your bedroom window open during the cold winter nights. Pneumonia will help keep you awake until you find rest at the cemetery.

• Puff more than your usual pack-a-day habit before going to bed. Smoker’s breath will insure you spend time on the uncomfortable love seat instead of your bed when your wife kicks you out. Smoking excessively also helps you cough your way to a cancer ward in the hospital.

Now if all this sounds like a great deal of trouble, maybe it’s far better just to relax, drink some soothing herbal tea and forget about your worries before you drift off to a restful sleep.

End

The author sometimes likes to write humor and thankfully most of it appears in this, his Word Press blog. But if you’re looking to read more serious stuff, you can find it at Helium: http://www.helium.com/users/210594

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How to Tell If You Are About to Be abducted By Aliens

Alien abductions! We’ve heard so much about them! They lurk just beyond our ability to notice them but they’re waiting. Who can tell their reasons?

Perhaps they’re just waiting for humanity to self-destruct so they can move in and establish a new Utopian order. Or maybe they’re waiting a few light years for reinforcements to arrive to make the first and final conquest of the human race. Or perhaps it’s just to pick out those of us who have the qualities of becoming super beings to finally bring lasting peace to humanity.

Whether friend or foe, there are some, including Fox Mulder, who believe they have been abducted beyond their will and have become subjected to unholy experiments. One thing is certain. No one who has been abducted has ever shown much improvement beyond mental instability. .

In any case, alien abductions are felt by believers to be real and can’t be explained away by Nazi doctors or an IRS audit.

Should we be concerned?

And how can you tell if you have been a victim of an alien abduction? Trying to convince your friends and relatives may lead to an abduction to a psychiatric ward by white clothed doctors won’t do much good if you have no solid proof beyond a few cat scratches.

But then again, perhaps the world has been taken over by aliens and they’d prefer you didn’t try to stir up resentment against the positions of power they already hold in the halls of government and pharmaceutical companies. An uprising may not work in their favor. Then again, our current epidemics of obesity, cancer, heart diseases and diabetes may be the work of aliens as they attempt to eliminate the human race.

Is there any way to know if you have become a victim of an alien abduction? Here are some questions to ask:

Have you lost track of time and can’t account for your whereabouts for an hour or more? Losing track of time and memory could be the result of taking statin drugs. But perhaps this is just the front the aliens need to take you into their mother ship, the Axiom.

Have you ever felt paralyzed with fright from a being in your room? Other than a white coated doctor checking your life signs in your hospital bed, if he appears to be your doctor checking you up in your bedroom, you should be concerned.

Do you have some unusual scars or marks with no idea how they got there? Check with your friends if you haven’t been out the previous night for a good time with the bouncer at the local pub. If this isn’t the case, check to see if you haven’t been flagellating yourself in a religious purge. If these can be ruled out, the only conclusion is an alien, other than your wife unless her name is Lorena Bobbitt.

Did you have a dream of flying you felt positive wasn’t a dream? Maybe you’ve been watching too many Peter Pan movies or Mary Poppins. If either of them aren’t real, that leaves the improbable alien.

Have you witnessed rays of light outside of your home or had light beams shining through the windows of your room? That depends on where you live. Life next to a major highway is likely to produce enough lights form passing cars to make you feel aliens are out to disturb your sleep.

Do you have a strong urge to fulfill a mission without knowing from where this urge comes from? Check first your anti-depressants for their hallucinogenic quality. Lots of people exhibit bizarre behavior, commit suicide or murder simply from the use of Prozac. It may be that your doctor prescribed it to get rid of you.

Did you ever dream of strange eyes peering at you through your window, knowing that they did not belong to Santa Claus or didn’t belong to trick-or-treaters on Halloween?

Have you experienced puzzling sleep disorders waking at night to scratches at your door and thumping noises in the attic or your laundry room? Did you remember to bring in the dog. That howl outside your window could be form Rover and not a Tommyknocker.

Have you seen your spouse become paralyzed and motionless as soon as she sees you? Perhaps you have morphed into a shapeless mass of blubber after eating all that processed junk food?

Has there been anyone who has claimed that you went suddenly missing or saw an alien near you that wasn’t Linoge in that movie “Storm of the Century”?

Have you had the feeling of being watched at night? Perhaps the IRS is spying to find some illegal activity on your part. If it’s not them or a private eye your wife hired to watch for extracurricular trysts with female employees, then it’s likely an alien.

If you can come reasonably conclude that aliens have abducted your or are about to, check yourself into a sanatorium for protection. You’ll need it.

Author Bio: The author is a freelance writer who writes mostly in subjects dealing with health and business. He currently has a number of articles publuished on Helium: http://www.helium.com/users/210594 You can also buy articles for use in your website or ezine here:

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