Learning to Ruin Your Sleep the Easy Way

For many bedtime becomes another job activity. While they’re never paid to get to sleep, the very activity of forcing sleep insures they will stay awake. Popping sleeping pills do help, but they are not the best healthy solution to the problem.

Nevertheless, if you are one of the few who do manage to sleep most nights and would prefer to be bleary eyed by the time you get to work, here are some helpful tips you can employ to insure that a good night of sleep becomes a sought after miracle.

• Drink plenty of caffeine before bedtime. No doubts about it. You won’t need toothpicks to keep your eyes open all night. While you’re at it, try alcohol, another sure way to keep you awake. Both caffeine and alcohol will help produce a good bout of acid reflux, diarrhea, constipation and a host of other stomach ailments guaranteed to keep your co-workers and your boss at arm’s distance from you.

• Gorge yourself with food shortly before retiring. Your stomach will be busy growling and producing gas as it tries to digest that food. That bloated feeling is sure to ruin any good night of rest. You might have to get up on occasion to rush to the washroom to throw up some of that undigested food. Taking a few antacid pills to calm the war inside your stomach certainly helps to reduce the production of stomach acids the stomach needs for digestion. But there’s no better way to insure your health gets ruined by adding ulcers, constipation and intestinal illness.

• Get into a serious argument with your girlfriend or your wife so you can stew over their inconsideration all night long. If you’re not married, try picking a fight at the local bar. You’ll be lying in bed relaxing head bruises with an ice pack.

• Watch violent movies before bedtime. This works much better with the volume on full blast. You need to get angry to see red all night. Anything from a hockey fight to a boxing or wrestling match will help keep the adrenaline flowing. Make sure to move your TV into the bedroom so you and your bleary eyed wife can both enjoy the fights.

• Get into a heavy workout routine. Forget taking a walk to relax like the wimps do. Go for a 10K marathon. Lift those hundred pound weights. Sweat your way into shape and sleepless nights. Make sure to continue that routine every night so you can be tired when you go to work the next day.

• Start an all-night day care center. There will always be some kids who want to emulate you. Children screaming in your ears are a great way to keep up those jangled nerves.

• Keep your bedroom window open during the cold winter nights. Pneumonia will help keep you awake until you find rest at the cemetery.

• Puff more than your usual pack-a-day habit before going to bed. Smoker’s breath will insure you spend time on the uncomfortable love seat instead of your bed when your wife kicks you out. Smoking excessively also helps you cough your way to a cancer ward in the hospital.

Now if all this sounds like a great deal of trouble, maybe it’s far better just to relax, drink some soothing herbal tea and forget about your worries before you drift off to a restful sleep.

End

The author sometimes likes to write humor and thankfully most of it appears in this, his Word Press blog. But if you’re looking to read more serious stuff, you can find it at Helium: http://www.helium.com/users/210594

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How to Tell If You Are About to Be abducted By Aliens

Alien abductions! We’ve heard so much about them! They lurk just beyond our ability to notice them but they’re waiting. Who can tell their reasons?

Perhaps they’re just waiting for humanity to self-destruct so they can move in and establish a new Utopian order. Or maybe they’re waiting a few light years for reinforcements to arrive to make the first and final conquest of the human race. Or perhaps it’s just to pick out those of us who have the qualities of becoming super beings to finally bring lasting peace to humanity.

Whether friend or foe, there are some, including Fox Mulder, who believe they have been abducted beyond their will and have become subjected to unholy experiments. One thing is certain. No one who has been abducted has ever shown much improvement beyond mental instability. .

In any case, alien abductions are felt by believers to be real and can’t be explained away by Nazi doctors or an IRS audit.

Should we be concerned?

And how can you tell if you have been a victim of an alien abduction? Trying to convince your friends and relatives may lead to an abduction to a psychiatric ward by white clothed doctors won’t do much good if you have no solid proof beyond a few cat scratches.

But then again, perhaps the world has been taken over by aliens and they’d prefer you didn’t try to stir up resentment against the positions of power they already hold in the halls of government and pharmaceutical companies. An uprising may not work in their favor. Then again, our current epidemics of obesity, cancer, heart diseases and diabetes may be the work of aliens as they attempt to eliminate the human race.

Is there any way to know if you have become a victim of an alien abduction? Here are some questions to ask:

Have you lost track of time and can’t account for your whereabouts for an hour or more? Losing track of time and memory could be the result of taking statin drugs. But perhaps this is just the front the aliens need to take you into their mother ship, the Axiom.

Have you ever felt paralyzed with fright from a being in your room? Other than a white coated doctor checking your life signs in your hospital bed, if he appears to be your doctor checking you up in your bedroom, you should be concerned.

Do you have some unusual scars or marks with no idea how they got there? Check with your friends if you haven’t been out the previous night for a good time with the bouncer at the local pub. If this isn’t the case, check to see if you haven’t been flagellating yourself in a religious purge. If these can be ruled out, the only conclusion is an alien, other than your wife unless her name is Lorena Bobbitt.

Did you have a dream of flying you felt positive wasn’t a dream? Maybe you’ve been watching too many Peter Pan movies or Mary Poppins. If either of them aren’t real, that leaves the improbable alien.

Have you witnessed rays of light outside of your home or had light beams shining through the windows of your room? That depends on where you live. Life next to a major highway is likely to produce enough lights form passing cars to make you feel aliens are out to disturb your sleep.

Do you have a strong urge to fulfill a mission without knowing from where this urge comes from? Check first your anti-depressants for their hallucinogenic quality. Lots of people exhibit bizarre behavior, commit suicide or murder simply from the use of Prozac. It may be that your doctor prescribed it to get rid of you.

Did you ever dream of strange eyes peering at you through your window, knowing that they did not belong to Santa Claus or didn’t belong to trick-or-treaters on Halloween?

Have you experienced puzzling sleep disorders waking at night to scratches at your door and thumping noises in the attic or your laundry room? Did you remember to bring in the dog. That howl outside your window could be form Rover and not a Tommyknocker.

Have you seen your spouse become paralyzed and motionless as soon as she sees you? Perhaps you have morphed into a shapeless mass of blubber after eating all that processed junk food?

Has there been anyone who has claimed that you went suddenly missing or saw an alien near you that wasn’t Linoge in that movie “Storm of the Century”?

Have you had the feeling of being watched at night? Perhaps the IRS is spying to find some illegal activity on your part. If it’s not them or a private eye your wife hired to watch for extracurricular trysts with female employees, then it’s likely an alien.

If you can come reasonably conclude that aliens have abducted your or are about to, check yourself into a sanatorium for protection. You’ll need it.

Author Bio: The author is a freelance writer who writes mostly in subjects dealing with health and business. He currently has a number of articles publuished on Helium: http://www.helium.com/users/210594 You can also buy articles for use in your website or ezine here:

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Cultivating a Relationship with Your Doctor

Disclaimer: The following article is but a humorous look at the relationship between the doctor and patient. As one of a series of articles looking at the lighter and funnier side of life, it by no means should be construed to be gospel truth. The author simply believes that due to the present state of economic chaos, we all need a good laugh now and then and that’s why this series is written. So sit back and enjoy!

There is no question that the doctor-patient relationship is a special one that borders on genuine love. Your doctor loves your body for the money it can bring while he pumps it full of prescription meds. Of course it’s taken for granted that mind and body are separate entities. If something goes wrong with your body, it’s not your fault you got sick. After all, diet and exercise has nothing to do with health, or so the medical profession hopes you’ll believe. If this was not so, why would so many people continue to chow down burgers, smoke a pack a day and pollute their bodies with toxins every chance they get?

The major problem with your doctor is that he hasn’t got time to tend to your personal needs at every hour of the day as he is in love with thousands of other corpses he sees on a daily basis. In order to know what’s wrong with you, he needs the opportunity to carefully observe every aspect of your daily life, jot down the foods you eat and how you handle the kids and your wife. He has to follow you to work, with a white lab coat to distinguish himself from the company employees while watching you eat those sugar-laced donuts and how many smokes you can puff during the smoke break.

It’s not an easy job, but if you want the doctor’s attention and establish a good relationship with him or her, you need to make some sacrifices that will ensure he’ll be at your beck and call when the next heart attack occurs. Since your doctor is concerned about the health of your pocketbook, it’s only natural to reciprocate by developing a close kinship with him. So what can you do to insure your relationship is a stellar one? Here are some tips:

Buy a bigger home. You’ll simply need a home with plenty of space to house his medical paraphernalia and his clinic. While this may seem a burden, consider that most Americans love big homes and fancy cars so this shouldn’t be much of a financial burden for you.

Build a lab facility. Your doctor can’t conduct his experiments without the test tubes, MRI and X-ray equipment he needs for treatment and/or torture. Whether the lab stands apart from the house or is an addition, you should insure it has adequate insulation so you and the neighbors can’t hear the screams of the doctor’s patients as he performs treatments. If finances just aren’t available, use your rec room as a temporary facility. You may even be able to get a grant from the government to help in your expansion efforts. Considering the state of today’s economy it’s wise to use government incentive programs to help employ construction workers to build that new addition.

Open up a dual account. It should be in your name and your doctor’s name so he can withdraw the charges for his services without issuing you a receipt.

Get a new bed. You’ll need a double-king sized one as your doctor needs a place to sleep too. You can never know when adverse drug effects keep you awake and screaming half the night. Your doctor needs sleep too so he must address your problems immediately with emergency surgery as may be needed. Your double-king bed must be large enough to accommodate your lawyer, accountant and IRS auditor too. The lawyer is necessary to smooth out any differences you may have between you and your doctor. Divorces between patients and doctors are as common as between husband and wife.

Take out extra life insurance. You want your doctor to feel right at home and that requires giving him a few perks to get in bed with you. One of them is taking out extra insurance that can cover any lawsuits he incurs from malpractice by patients undergoing chemotherapy and radiation treatments. Since life is so delicate, you can never know when you will keel over from drug complications as so many patients do in the nation’s hospitals every year, about 100,000 by some estimates. Taking the right dose and right prescription is no guarantee you will survive to tomorrow. Your doctor needs to continue his practice uninterrupted so he needs to know that you will pay for his mistakes and is guaranteed to be the beneficiary of your estate.

Build a big parking lot. It’s not absolutely necessary, but it’s a good way to bring in extra income so you can delay bankruptcy. Guests and patients need a place to park while they are being serviced. To add more revenue, install a gate where they can pay $5.00 in parking fees. If you think this is too much, many people, including your doctor, gouge their customers on a regular basis. If patients prefer to park in the street, install a parking meter or have a city tow truck service haul away the offending vehicle. You might consider getting into the tow truck business yourself.

These are helpful points that can insure you stay healthy until 40. A love relationship with your doctor is so important. Insuring that your doctor is safe, comfortable and profitable is the best way for a happy retirement six feet under in your doctor’s backyard once he takes control of your property.

Living the Great American Diabetes Diet

Disclaimer: This article is meant as a light-hearted and humorous look at one of our most favorite pastimes—dieting. The author in no way endorses the enclosed material as accurate, though it may represent a great portion of the population. Neither can the author be help liable for any damages incurred by following the information herein, except perhaps what might occur to the funny-bone of the reader. While the author may not approve the following material and advice, the FDA and Big Pharma might endorse the information enclosed as a convenient way to sell you more drugs and make more money.

The diet plan everyone wants is finally here!

Move over Atkins. Move over Pritikin! There’s a new fat kid on the block and for once he’s telling it straight. Twenty-four  million Americans can’t be wrong as they enjoy the benefits of this high glycemic, low fiber diet that is sweeping the nation. Now you can join them and enjoy the following benefits too!

• Obesity
• Heart Disease
• Diabetes
• Cancer
• Stroke
• Alzheimer’s
• Arthritis and so much more!

Forget about the Darwinian theory that we descended from the apes. It’s totally untrue. We descended from whales.  Surely you realize that weight loss is simply impossible. Though you may lose it, you’ll only gain it back and more to spare! You are meant to carry along some extra blubber.

Face it, fat is in, baby! Why struggle so hard and deny reality? Those diets don’t work ’cause they go against your natural inclinations. Take a close look around you. The survivors are the obese as they roll over their skinny counterparts in the dash to the hospital for triple bypass surgery.

The thought of a surgeon slicing through thick blubber to get to your aorta should make your mouth water!

But you don’t have to miss out! The Great American Diabetes Diet (G.A.D.D.) is the only realistic diet that works! It’s effortless and guaranteed to work 100%. Even more, it requires no exercise!

How, you ask, can you join the ranks of the millions already enjoying the benefits of blindness and foot amputations? Chances are you’re already on your way to the  complications! Just a few simple lifestyle changes and you can be assured of a comfortable vacation spot in a hospital ward. And if you haven’t started yet, it’s not too late to support the pocketbooks of your local pharmaceutical company that stands ready with a costly army of medications to service your every woe.

Big Pharma, the FDA, the FTC and many government agencies are already busy promoting GADD with advertisements and false reports outlining the dangers of vitamins and minerals in your diet. They already know that man is a descendant of whales and we must get pleasantly fat while they get pleasantly wealthy.  So discard those herbs being sold at your health food store today and start on your way to a new you with the GADD! Once you’ve finished with clearing out your kitchen cabinet of those unwanted “health” supplements, you can begin your diet by:

1. Eating a Sumo wrestler’s breakfast. Be sure to drink a large glass of sweetened orange juice. Fry up a good batch of eggs, bacon and sausage to last until the morning doldrums. If you prefer cereal, there’s no need for whole grain, it’s so bland.  Show your kids you like sugar as much as they do and fill up a few bowls of high-fructose-corn-syrup sweetened cereal. Don’t like cereal? No problem, have at least 6 pancakes along with a good dollop of whole fat butter and smother it all with maple syrup.  And don’t neglect to add two tablespoons of sugar to your morning coffee for that extra spike of glucose! But if you’re like many, breakfast is too much a bother.  There’s no harm in simply skipping this meal.  Just be sure to pick up a few donuts on your way to work.
2. Mid morning hunger can be alleviated by conveniently placed vending machines where you’ll find an assortment of high calorie, high carbohydrate snacks. Don’t forget to take advantage of your smoke break. A good puff will fill your lungs with the goodness of friendly chemicals designed to shorten your breath effortlessly.
3. Lunch is the most important meal of the day, so don’t neglect those hamburgers, fries and cola. With just 150 calories and 43 grams of sugar, you can afford to drink more than one soft drink! Bringing your own lunch is unhealthy. Eat what’s being served in the school cafeteria or the local restaurant. Don’t forget to relax and hack your way through another cigarette. It will pay off in more dividends than you can imagine!
4. Mid afternoon needs as much attention as the mid morning. Insure energy with a large bag of salted chips and pretzels. If you’re feeling some indigestion or acid reflux, take an aspirin or those meds your doctor prescribed. Don’t forget the ritual of another good smoke.
5. There’s no need to scrimp on dinner. Just make sure there are no vegetables on your plate. The key to cooking well is to fry…fry…fry. Pizza and fried chicken are great alternatives when you’re in a rush to see your doctor over those minor chest pains. To enjoy the GADD, the more in a hurry you are, the better the indigestion. You eat more, chew less and pack on pounds as fast as you can eat.
6. The evening is a time to stress-out before the TV with another smoke and the last beer of that six-pack you brought home. Don’t worry about those health nuts who promote nuts and seeds as a good way to snack. A large bag of Cheetos and all-dressed Ruffles will do you good before bed. Ignore your dog’s incessant whine as he attempts to get you to go out with him for a walk. You’re tired and darkness is only two hours away.
7. While preparation for bed doesn’t appear to have anything to do with the GADD, it is important how you do it. Brush your teeth with the fluoridated water that your taxes pay the city to clean up. Better still, take a shower. That water contains the trace elements of the drugs that are inadvertently flushed down the toilets by many dedicated householders. Make sure you drink at least 8 eight ounce glasses of unfiltered tap water every day.

There you have it, a daily approach to living today’s American dream! Simply by making the changes to your lifestyle, you can insure that everyone in the medical establishment, the food and agriculture industry and the CEOs of big pharmaceutical companies continue to have jobs and billion-dollar profits.